Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, whether it’s with a partner, family member, friend, or coworker. However, how we handle disagreements can either strengthen relationships or cause long-term damage. Understanding the difference between healthy and unhealthy ways to deal with conflict can help improve communication, build trust, and foster deeper connections.
The Psychology of Conflict
Before diving into the ways to resolve the conflict, it is important to understand why conflicts arise in the first place. Conflict often stems from unmet needs, misunderstandings, and differences in communication styles. It can also be fuelled by stress, past trauma, or ingrained beliefs. Recognising these underlying factors can help us approach conflicts with more awareness and empathy.
Why Do We Experience Conflict?
Conflicts arise when there is a perceived incompatibility between two or more parties. Some common causes include:
- Different Values and Beliefs: People have different perspectives based on their upbringing, experiences, and cultural backgrounds.
- Unmet Emotional Needs: When people feel unappreciated, ignored, or misunderstood, it can lead to frustration and arguments.
- Communication Styles: Some people are direct, while others may be more passive or indirect in expressing their concerns.
- External Stressors: Financial strain, work pressure, and family obligations can all contribute to tension in relationships.
By recognising these triggers, we can better navigate conflicts and prevent them from escalating unnecessarily.
Common Conflict Mistakes: Unhealthy Ways to Argue
When conflicts escalate in an unhealthy manner, they can create resentment, emotional pain, and communication breakdowns. Here are some common unhealthy arguing patterns:
1. Name-Calling and Personal Attacks
Using insults or attacking someone’s character shifts the focus from solving the problem to hurting the other person. This can create long-term emotional wounds and erode trust.
2. Blaming and Defensiveness
When one or both parties refuse to take responsibility and instead blame the other, arguments become a battle of who’s right rather than a constructive conversation. Defensiveness prevents meaningful dialogue and resolution.
Example: Alex and Jordan are arguing about household chores.
Alex says, “I feel like I’m doing most of the cleaning around here. Can we figure out a way to split things more evenly?”
Jordan immediately gets defensive and responds, “Oh, so now I’m the lazy one? Maybe if you weren’t so picky about everything being spotless, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation!”
Instead of acknowledging Alex’s concern, Jordan shifts the blame and deflects responsibility, turning the discussion into an argument about Alex’s standards rather than the real issue.
Healthier approach: A more constructive response from Jordan would be: “I see why you feel that way. I didn’t realise it was bothering you so much. Let’s talk about how we can divide the chores in a way that feels fair to both of us.”—which acknowledges Alex’s feelings and opens the door for a solution rather than escalating the conflict.
3. Stonewalling or Silent Treatment
Ignoring the other person or shutting down completely can be emotionally damaging. This tactic makes the other person feel unheard, unimportant, and dismissed, leading to increased frustration and distance.
4. Bringing Up Past Issues
Using past mistakes as weapons in current arguments prevents resolution and keeps the conflict stuck in a cycle of blame. Healthy conflict resolution focuses on the present issue instead of reopening old wounds.
Example: David and Lisa are discussing Lisa’s habit of coming home late without letting David know.
David says, “I just wish you’d text me when you’re running late so I don’t worry.”
Lisa responds, “Oh, so now you care about communication? What about last month when you completely forgot our anniversary? You never seem to remember things that matter to me!”
By bringing up an unrelated past mistake, Lisa shifts the focus from the current issue to an old grievance. This prevents progress and turns the conversation into a blame game.
Healthier approach:
Lisa could say, “I understand that you feel frustrated when I don’t let you know I’ll be late. I’ll try to be more mindful about keeping you updated.”—keeping the conversation on the present issue rather than dredging up past mistakes.
5. Yelling and Escalating Emotions
When emotions spiral out of control, yelling or acting aggressively can make the other person feel unsafe or unheard. This often results in the argument becoming more about overpowering the other rather than resolving the problem.
6. Passive-Aggressiveness
Instead of directly addressing the issue, some people use sarcasm, guilt-tripping, or subtle digs to express frustration. This can lead to confusion and resentment, making it harder to resolve conflicts.
Example: Emma and Jake are a couple living together. Jake forgot to wash the dishes after dinner, even though they had agreed he would. Instead of directly telling him she’s upset, Emma says with a sarcastic tone, “Wow, I just love waking up to a sink full of dirty dishes. It really makes my morning so much better.”
Jake, sensing the sarcasm, responds defensively, “Why are you always complaining? It’s not a big deal.”
Instead of resolving the issue, this exchange creates tension and frustration. A healthier approach would be for Emma to say, “Hey, Jake, I noticed the dishes weren’t done last night. Can we find a way to make sure we both stick to our agreements?”—which directly communicates her concern without passive-aggressive undertones.
7. Dismissing the Other Person’s Feelings
Invalidating someone’s emotions by saying things like “You’re overreacting” or “You shouldn’t feel that way” can make the person feel unheard and frustrated. Emotional invalidation can lead to greater distance in the relationship.
Example: Samantha and Chris have been arguing about how much time Chris spends on his phone during dinner.
Samantha says, “I feel like you’re always distracted when we’re eating together. Can we set our phones aside during meals?”
Instead of responding, Chris sighs, crosses his arms, and completely shuts down, refusing to make eye contact or acknowledge Samantha’s concern. When she asks, “Are you even listening to me?” he stays silent and walks away.
This reaction makes Samantha feel ignored and dismissed, escalating her frustration and making it harder to resolve the issue.
Healthier approach: Instead of stonewalling, Chris could say, “I hear you. I didn’t realize it was bothering you that much. Let’s talk about setting some screen-free time during dinner.”—engaging in the conversation rather than shutting it down. If emotions are running high, he could also say, “I need a few minutes to clear my head, but I want to talk about this. Can we discuss it in 15 minutes?”—which allows space while still showing commitment to resolving the issue.
Healthy Ways to Argue
(For more insights on improving communication, check out our article on Effective Communication Techniques or explore expert advice. Effective conflict resolution involves open communication, respect, and a willingness to understand each other. Here are some strategies for arguing in a productive way:
1. Use “I” Statements Instead of “You” Accusations
Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try saying, “I feel unheard when I try to express my feelings.” This approach minimizes defensiveness and fosters better understanding.
2. Stay Focused on the Issue at Hand
Avoid bringing up unrelated past mistakes. Stay present and address the specific issue to prevent unnecessary emotional escalation.
3. Listen to Understand, Not Just to Respond
Active listening is key to resolving conflicts. This means genuinely trying to understand the other person’s perspective rather than simply waiting for your turn to talk.
4. Take a Break If Needed
If emotions become too intense, take a short break to cool down and return to the conversation with a clearer mindset. Let the other person know that you need time and set a time to revisit the discussion.
5. Find Common Ground and Compromise
Instead of trying to “win” the argument, aim for a resolution that meets both parties’ needs. Compromise fosters a sense of teamwork and mutual respect.
6. Express Appreciation and Reaffirm the Relationship
After resolving a disagreement, reaffirm your connection by expressing gratitude, reassurance, or physical affection (if appropriate). This helps rebuild trust and emotional closeness.
7. Recognising Emotional Triggers
Understanding your own emotional triggers can help prevent conflicts from escalating. If you know certain topics make you feel particularly vulnerable or defensive, practice mindfulness and self-awareness before entering a discussion.
8. Using Conflict as an Opportunity for Growth
Conflicts can be opportunities for personal and relational growth. By addressing issues constructively, relationships can become stronger and more resilient over time.
9. Seeking Mediation When Necessary
Sometimes conflicts are too complex or emotionally charged to be resolved alone. Seeking professional mediation or therapy can provide guidance and facilitate healthy communication.
How to Prevent Future Conflicts
While conflicts are inevitable, there are ways to reduce their frequency and intensity. Here are some tips:
- Improve Communication Skills: Practice open, honest, and respectful communication daily.
- Set Boundaries: Establish clear personal and relationship boundaries to prevent misunderstandings.
- Practice Emotional Regulation: Learn techniques to manage anger, frustration, and stress.
- Cultivate Empathy: Try to see things from the other person’s perspective.
- Regularly Check-In: Have regular conversations about feelings, needs, and concerns before they escalate into conflicts.
Final Thoughts
Conflict is inevitable, but how we handle it makes all the difference. Healthy arguments promote stronger relationships, better communication, and greater emotional intimacy. By avoiding destructive arguing patterns and embracing constructive communication strategies, we can turn conflicts into opportunities for growth and understanding.
Next time a disagreement arises, take a deep breath, choose your words wisely, and approach the conversation with empathy and respect. Your relationships will thank you for it!
If you found this article helpful, we’d love to hear from you! Share your experiences with conflict resolution in the comments below or reach out for professional guidance if you’re facing ongoing challenges in your relationships.