Our relationships are deeply influenced by the way we connect with others, and much of this is shaped by our attachment style—a psychological framework that describes how we emotionally bond with people, particularly in romantic relationships. Understanding attachment styles can offer valuable insight into our patterns of behaviour, emotional needs, and potential challenges in relationships.
In this article, we’ll explore the four main attachment styles, how they develop, and how they impact relationships, as well as practical steps for fostering healthier connections.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are rooted in early childhood experiences, particularly in how our caregivers responded to our needs. Developed by psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded upon by Mary Ainsworth, attachment theory suggests that these early interactions shape our expectations and behaviours in adult relationships.
The four main attachment styles are:
- Secure Attachment
- Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment
- Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment
- Disorganised (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment
Understanding which style resonates with you can help you navigate relationships more effectively and work towards healthier connections.
1. Secure Attachment
An example of how secure attachment with parents develops can be seen in the consistent and nurturing interactions between a caregiver and a child.
For example: Emma, a one-year-old, starts crying when she falls while playing. Her mother immediately picks her up, soothes her with gentle words, and comforts her with a hug. Over time, Emma learns that when she is distressed, her mother will be there to respond sensitively and meet her emotional needs. This consistency helps Emma feel safe and secure, fostering trust in her caregiver. As she grows, Emma becomes more confident in exploring her environment, knowing that her mother is a reliable source of support and comfort if she needs it.
This example illustrates how consistent emotional responsiveness, physical comfort, and reassurance from a parent help a child develop a secure attachment bond. The child learns that their needs will be met with care, creating a foundation for healthy emotional regulation and trusting relationships later in life.
People with a secure attachment style tend to have a positive view of themselves and others.
Signs of Secure Attachment in Adults:
- Comfortable with emotional intimacy and independence.
- Trusting and responsive to a partner’s needs.
- Able to communicate feelings and concerns without fear.
- Resilient in the face of relationship challenges.
How It Shapes Relationships:
Those with a secure attachment style form healthy, stable relationships. They are more likely to experience emotional security, open communication, and mutual respect in their partnerships.
For example: Sarah is in a committed relationship with Tom. When she’s feeling stressed, she feels safe reaching out to him for support, knowing he will be there for her. At the same time, she encourages Tom to pursue his personal interests and friendships, without feeling insecure or threatened. When they have disagreements, they discuss their feelings calmly and constructively, trusting that their bond is strong enough to withstand conflict.
2. Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment
Anxious attachment develops when caregivers are inconsistent—sometimes responsive, sometimes neglectful. This results in a deep fear of abandonment and a need for constant reassurance.
For example: Liam, a two-year-old, reaches for his father when he feels scared around strangers. Sometimes, his father responds with warmth and comfort, reassuring him. However, at other times, his father seems distracted or dismissive, offering little to no comfort. Because of this inconsistency, Liam becomes unsure of whether his father will be emotionally available when he needs him. As he grows, Liam becomes clingy and overly anxious, constantly seeking reassurance and fearing abandonment, even when his father is present.
This example demonstrates how inconsistent caregiving can lead to anxious attachment. The child learns that care and comfort are unpredictable, making them hyper-vigilant and insecure. As they mature, they may struggle with clinginess, fear of rejection, and emotional dependency in their relationships.
Signs of Anxious Attachment in Adults:
- Feeling insecure and needing frequent validation.
- Overanalysing interactions and fearing rejection.
- Struggling with low self-esteem.
- Becoming overly dependent on a partner.
How It Shapes Relationships:
People with an anxious attachment style tend to be emotionally intense, craving closeness yet feeling insecure about their partner’s commitment. They may cling to relationships, struggle with jealousy, or overreact to perceived threats.
How to Manage Anxious Attachment:
1. Practising Self-Soothe Techniques
When feeling emotionally overwhelmed or fearing abandonment, individuals with anxious attachment can use grounding techniques to calm themselves.
Example: Emma feels anxious when her partner doesn’t respond to her texts immediately. Instead of sending multiple follow-up messages, she pauses and practises deep breathing. She reminds herself that her partner may be busy, and their lack of response doesn’t indicate rejection.
2. Challenging Negative Thought Patterns
People with anxious attachment often interpret neutral situations as signs of rejection. Learning to challenge these thoughts helps reduce emotional reactivity.
Example: Mark assumes his friend is upset with him because they cancel dinner plans. Instead of catastrophising, he rationalises that their cancellation might be due to work stress or other commitments. He chooses to ask them directly rather than making assumptions.
3. Building Emotional Independence
Developing a sense of self-worth and identity outside of relationships reduces dependency on others for validation.
Example: Sophie starts attending a weekly yoga class and pursues a new hobby. By building interests outside of her relationship, she feels more confident and less reliant on her partner for emotional stability.
4.Setting Healthy Boundaries
Practising clear and respectful communication ensures that emotional needs are expressed without becoming overbearing.
Example: James feels anxious when his partner goes out with friends. Instead of making demands or expressing jealousy, he communicates his feelings calmly: “I sometimes feel insecure when you’re out, but I know I can trust you. It would help me feel more secure if you could let me know when you’re heading home.”
5. Seeking Therapy or Counselling
Therapy, particularly attachment-based therapy or cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), can help individuals with anxious attachment recognise patterns, build emotional regulation skills, and create healthier relationship dynamics.
Example: Laura, who struggles with anxious attachment, attends counselling. Through therapy, she learns to identify her triggers and develop healthier communication patterns with her partner, reducing conflict and improving emotional security.
By practising self-awareness, emotional regulation, and effective communication, adults with anxious attachment can develop more secure and fulfilling relationships.
Read more about effective communication strategies on Effective Communication Strategies for Healthier Relationships
3. Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment
Avoidant attachment often develops in individuals whose caregivers were emotionally unavailable or dismissive of their needs. As a result, they value independence over intimacy and struggle with vulnerability.
Example: Liam, as a child, would cry when he felt scared, but his parents often told him to “stop being dramatic” or “get over it.” Over time, he learned to suppress his emotions and avoid seeking comfort from others.
Signs of Avoidant Attachment in Adults:
- Discomfort with emotional closeness.
- Difficulty expressing feelings.
- Preferring independence over deep relationships.
- Struggling to trust others.
How It Shapes Relationships:
People with avoidant attachment may push partners away to maintain emotional distance. They may appear self-sufficient but struggle with deep emotional connections.
How to Work Through Avoidant Attachment:
Managing avoidant attachment in adulthood requires developing emotional awareness, fostering vulnerability, and building trust with others. Here are some strategies along with examples:
1. Develop Emotional Awareness and Expression
Avoidantly attached individuals often suppress their emotions or struggle to identify and express them. Practising emotional awareness can help them recognise and share their feelings more effectively.
💡 Example:
Liam, who tends to withdraw emotionally, starts journaling his thoughts and feelings each day. Over time, this helps him recognise when he is feeling vulnerable and gradually share those emotions with his partner instead of pulling away.
2. Communicate Needs and Fears
People with avoidant attachment may have difficulty expressing their emotional needs or fear being seen as weak. Practising clear and honest communication can help them build healthier relationships.
💡 Example:
Ella tends to shut down during conflicts with her partner. To manage this, she begins to use “I” statements, saying, “I feel overwhelmed and need some space, but I do want to resolve this with you.” This allows her to express her needs without being dismissive.
3. Practise Gradual Vulnerability
Opening up emotionally can feel overwhelming for avoidant individuals. Taking small steps toward vulnerability helps build emotional intimacy without feeling exposed.
💡 Example:
Daniel, who is uncomfortable with emotional conversations, starts by sharing small personal stories with his friends. Over time, he progresses to discussing deeper feelings, allowing him to gradually build trust and emotional connection.
4. Strengthen Trust Through Consistency
Avoidantly attached individuals often struggle with trust and may expect abandonment or disappointment. Experiencing consistent, reliable relationships can rebuild their sense of security.
💡 Example:
Sophie, who avoids relying on others, challenges herself to accept help when her friend offers support during a stressful period. By gradually allowing herself to depend on others, she learns that seeking support does not equate to weakness.
5. Challenge Negative Beliefs About Dependence
Avoidant individuals may associate closeness with loss of independence or view emotional reliance as a weakness. Challenging these beliefs can foster healthier relational patterns.
💡 Example:
Ben believes that needing emotional support makes him weak. With the help of therapy, he starts to reframe this belief, recognising that sharing emotions actually strengthens relationships rather than undermining his independence.
6. Seek Therapy or Counselling
Working with a therapist can help individuals with avoidant attachment explore their emotional patterns, build trust, and develop healthier relational skills.
💡 Example:
Lily, who struggles with emotional distance in her marriage, starts attending therapy. With professional support, she learns to identify her avoidant tendencies and develop healthier ways of expressing intimacy and connection.
7. Prioritise Secure and Supportive Relationships
Spending time with people who demonstrate secure attachment behaviours can help avoidantly attached individuals learn and model healthier relationship patterns.
💡 Example:
Lucas, who tends to isolate himself emotionally, makes a conscious effort to nurture friendships with emotionally available and consistent people. Their support and reliability help him feel more comfortable being vulnerable over time.
4. Disorganised (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment
This style is a mix of both anxious and avoidant attachment patterns, often stemming from childhood trauma or unpredictable caregiving. Those with a disorganised attachment style desire connection but fear it at the same time.
Example: Liam’s father, who struggles with unresolved trauma, can be loving and attentive at times but becomes verbally aggressive or emotionally cold during moments of stress. When Liam falls and hurts himself, his father might comfort him one day but yell at him the next for being “clumsy.”
This unpredictability leaves Liam emotionally conflicted—he wants his father’s comfort but also fears his unpredictable reactions. Over time, Liam develops a disorganised attachment style, exhibiting mixed behaviours of seeking closeness and avoiding emotional connection.
Another example: Sophie grows up with a parent who suffers from mood swings and frequently lashes out in anger. When Sophie seeks comfort during stressful moments, her parent sometimes offers warmth but, at other times, reacts with rage or withdraws completely.
This creates an environment where the person meant to provide safety also becomes a source of fear. As Sophie grows older, she exhibits disorganised attachment traits, such as being emotionally ambivalent—desiring connection but feeling deeply mistrustful and fearful of intimacy.
Signs of Disorganised Attachment in Adults:
- Fear of both closeness and abandonment.
- Unstable or tumultuous relationships.
- Difficulty trusting others and managing emotions.
- Conflicting behaviours—seeking love but pushing it away.
How It Shapes Relationships:
Individuals with this attachment style often experience intense emotional highs and lows in relationships. They may struggle with trust, vulnerability, and emotional regulation.
How to Heal from Disorganised Attachment:
- Seek professional support (therapy or counselling can be beneficial).
- Trauma-focused therapy (such as EMDR or somatic experiencing) helps process unresolved trauma and reduce emotional reactivity.
- Attachment-based therapy focuses on identifying and reshaping maladaptive attachment patterns, helping you develop secure connections.
- Internal Family Systems (IFS) or Schema Therapy can also help explore conflicting inner parts that may create emotional ambivalence.
💡 Example: Through therapy, you learn to recognise emotional triggers, challenge ingrained patterns of distrust, and gradually build a sense of emotional safety in relationships.
- Work on emotional regulation and self-compassion.
- Practise mindfulness to become more aware of your emotional responses without judgment.
- Use grounding techniques (deep breathing, sensory awareness) to self-soothe during moments of emotional overwhelm.
- Identify triggers that cause withdrawal or emotional shutdown and develop coping strategies.
💡 Example: When you feel the urge to withdraw from your partner after a disagreement, you use mindful breathing to calm yourself, allowing you to respond rather than react.
- Develop trust through small, consistent steps in relationships.
- Practice emotional vulnerability with safe people, even if it feels uncomfortable.
- Communicate your attachment needs openly—whether it’s seeking reassurance or expressing your struggle with closeness.
- Gradually test emotional intimacy by opening up in small, manageable ways, allowing yourself to experience safety and consistency.
💡 Example: You begin confiding in a trusted friend, expressing your fears of being let down. Over time, their consistent support helps you feel safer and more trusting.
- Practise Somatic Healing Techniques
Because disorganised attachment often involves trauma stored in the body, somatic healing can be beneficial.
- Body-focused practices such as yoga, breathwork, or dance can help release stored emotional tension.
- Progressive muscle relaxation and gentle stretching support physical and emotional grounding.
- Emotional release exercises (like shaking or free movement) help discharge suppressed fear or anxiety.
💡 Example: You participate in a trauma-sensitive yoga class, gradually feeling more connected to your body and emotions.
Healing from disorganised attachment requires time, compassion, and consistent effort. By seeking professional support, cultivating safe connections, and practising self-compassion, you can gradually develop healthier relational patterns and build emotional security. Healing is possible—one step at a time.
Read more about self-compassion on The Power of Self-Compassion: Why It Matters and How to Cultivate It
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes! While attachment styles are deeply ingrained, they are not fixed. Through self-awareness, therapy, and healthy relationship experiences, individuals can shift towards a more secure attachment.
Ways to Develop a More Secure Attachment:
- Self-reflection: Identify patterns in past relationships.
- Therapy and counselling: Work through unresolved issues with a professional.
- Building trust: Engage in relationships with consistent, emotionally available partners.
- Practising emotional vulnerability: Allow yourself to express feelings openly and accept support from others.
Earned Secure Attachment: Overcoming Insecurity Through Growth and Experience
Not everyone who grows up with an insecure attachment style remains that way for life. Earned secure attachment refers to individuals who, despite experiencing an insecure attachment in childhood, have developed a more secure way of relating to others over time. This transformation often occurs through self-reflection, personal growth, therapy, or exposure to positive and healthy relationships.
How Does Earned Secure Attachment Develop?
- Self-Awareness and Reflection
Recognising unhealthy attachment patterns is the first step toward change. Individuals with an insecure attachment style often repeat the same patterns in relationships—whether through clinginess, emotional distance, or fear of rejection. Developing self-awareness helps in identifying and challenging these behaviours. - Therapeutic Support
Many people develop earned secure attachment through therapy, particularly approaches such as attachment-based therapy, cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), and emotionally focused therapy (EFT). These methods help individuals process past wounds, build emotional resilience, and form healthier connections. - Healthy Relationships and Role Models
Experiencing a secure and stable relationship—whether romantic, platonic, or professional—can reshape attachment patterns. A supportive partner, mentor, or friend can model healthy communication, emotional regulation, and trust, reinforcing the possibility of secure attachment. - Emotional Regulation and Mindfulness
Learning to manage emotions effectively helps individuals break away from past attachment fears. Practices such as meditation, journaling, and breathwork can help regulate emotional responses and build a sense of security within oneself. - Rewriting Internal Narratives
Those who develop an earned secure attachment often reframe negative self-beliefs. Instead of thinking, “I am unworthy of love,” they learn to say, “I am deserving of love and respect.” This shift in perspective strengthens emotional security.
Signs of Earned Secure Attachment
- Feeling comfortable with emotional intimacy and independence.
- Being able to trust others while maintaining healthy boundaries.
- Responding to conflict with calmness and problem-solving, rather than fear or withdrawal.
- Developing self-worth that is not dependent on external validation.
- Recognising that past experiences do not define future relationships.
The Power of Change
While childhood attachment styles can have a strong influence, they are not set in stone. People are capable of growth, healing, and change. By cultivating self-awareness, forming healthy connections, and seeking support when needed, individuals can transition from insecure attachment to an earned secure attachment—creating more fulfilling and stable relationships in the process.
How to Navigate Relationships with Different Attachment Styles
Understanding your own attachment style is important but so is recognising how it interacts with your partner’s style. Here are some tips for managing different attachment pairings:
Secure + Anxious:
- The secure partner can provide reassurance and stability to ease the anxious partner’s fears.
- The anxious partner should work on self-confidence and managing insecurities.
Secure + Avoidant:
- The secure partner should respect the avoidant partner’s need for space while gently encouraging emotional openness.
- The avoidant partner should challenge their fear of intimacy and communicate more openly.
Anxious + Avoidant:
- This pairing can be challenging as one craves closeness while the other fears it.
- Both partners must work on understanding and adjusting their needs to create balance.
Disorganised + Any Style:
- The disorganised partner may need professional support to heal from past trauma.
- Partners should focus on building trust and emotional safety together.
Final Thoughts: The Power of Self-Awareness
Our attachment styles influence how we connect, communicate, and navigate relationships. While they are shaped by early experiences, they do not define our future relationships. By understanding our attachment style and working towards emotional growth and security, we can build stronger, healthier connections.
If you’d like support in exploring your attachment style and improving your relationships, consider speaking with a qualified counsellor. Seeking guidance can be the first step towards more fulfilling and emotionally secure relationships.
🔎 Need professional guidance? Visit www.wellnesscounsellingservice.com to learn more and book a session. Alternatively visit Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb or Counselling Directory Counselling Directory – Find a Counsellor Near You to find a Counsellor in your area.
Resources
- Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.
- Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
- Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love. New York: TarcherPerigee.
- Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship. New Harbinger Publications.
- Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132-154.
Websites & Online Resources:
6. Psychology Today: Attachment Styles – https://www.psychologytoday.com
- Mind UK: Understanding Relationships and Mental Health – https://www.mind.org.uk