Compassion is the ability to recognise and empathise with the suffering of others, but it goes beyond mere sympathy—it has an active component. True compassion involves a genuine desire to alleviate pain and a willingness to take meaningful action to help. It is not simply feeling sorry for someone; it’s about offering support, kindness, and care in tangible ways, whether through emotional comfort, practical assistance, or simply being present. Compassion also extends inward, with self-compassion encouraging us to treat ourselves with the same patience and understanding we offer to others. By embracing compassion as an active force, we foster deeper connections, promote healing, and contribute to both personal and collective well-being.
Many of us find offering kindness and empathy to others much easier than extending the same compassion to ourselves. When we make mistakes, face challenges, or experience self-doubt, we often tend to be our own harshest critics. Yet, practising self-compassion is essential for emotional resilience, mental wellbeing, and personal growth.
Why Is Self-Compassion Difficult?
Self-compassion can be surprisingly difficult because many people hold themselves to far higher standards than they do others. Self-criticism often comes more naturally, as individuals may feel that being tough on themselves is necessary for growth or success. Additionally, societal pressures often promote perfectionism and the belief that self-compassion is a form of weakness or self-indulgence, making it challenging for people to be gentle with themselves.
For those with low self-esteem or a history of emotional wounds, practising self-compassion can feel uncomfortable or even undeserved. The fear of becoming complacent or ‘letting oneself off the hook’ can also prevent people from embracing self-kindness. Furthermore, unresolved guilt or shame from past experiences can create emotional barriers, making it harder to extend compassion inward. Overcoming these obstacles requires intentional practice, including challenging negative self-talk, recognising self-worth, and reframing self-compassion as a source of strength rather than weakness.
In this article, we’ll explore what self-compassion is, why it’s important, and how to cultivate it in your daily life.
What Is Self-Compassion?
Self-compassion is the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and care that you would offer to a friend. It involves being gentle with yourself during times of struggle rather than being self-critical or judgemental. In other words, self-compassion involves taking actions that alleviate your own suffering, rather than intensifying or prolonging it.
Dr. Kristin Neff is a pioneer in the field of self-compassion research. Her model identifies three key elements of self-compassion, each with a positive and negative counterpart:
1. Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment
- Self-kindness involves treating yourself with warmth, patience, and understanding, especially in moments of difficulty.
- It contrasts with self-judgment, which manifests as harsh self-criticism, self-blame, or feelings of inadequacy.
- Example: Instead of berating yourself for making a mistake, self-kindness encourages you to say, “It’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes. I’ll learn from this.”
2. Common Humanity vs. Isolation
- Common humanity is the recognition that suffering is part of the shared human experience—you are not alone in your struggles.
- It opposes isolation, which makes people feel like their pain is unique or a personal failure.
- Example: When facing a challenge, self-compassion reminds you that imperfection is universal. You might think, “Everyone experiences setbacks—it’s part of being human.”
3. Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification
- Mindfulness is the ability to observe your thoughts and emotions with balanced awareness, without suppressing or exaggerating them.
- It contrasts with over-identification, where you become entangled in negative thoughts or emotions, losing perspective.
- Example: Instead of catastrophising a negative experience, mindfulness encourages you to notice the pain without over-identifying, thinking, “I’m feeling anxious right now, and that’s okay—it will pass.”
💡 Why Is Self-Compassion Important? The Science Behind Self-Compassion
1. Improves Mental, Emotional and Physical Wellbeing
Self-compassion is linked to lower levels of anxiety, depression, and stress. When you treat yourself with kindness, you reduce the harsh self-criticism that contributes to emotional distress. Studies show that self-compassion practices reduce cortisol levels (stress hormone) and inflammation.
2. Enhances Resilience During Difficult Times
When facing failure, rejection, or disappointment, self-compassion buffers against emotional overwhelm. Instead of sinking into self-blame or hopelessness, you can offer yourself understanding and patience, which promotes emotional healing. It also fosters emotional regulation and reduces the impact of stress.
3. Increased Motivation
Contrary to popular belief, being kind to yourself boosts motivation, as self-criticism can be extremely demotivating. Compassionate and positive internal dialogue fosters a sense of emotional safety, reducing the fear of failure. As a result, people are more likely to take risks, try new things, and persist in the face of challenges. Rather than becoming paralysed by mistakes, self-compassion enables individuals to view setbacks as natural parts of the learning process, leading to more sustainable drive to achieve their goals.
4. Fosters Greater Self-Acceptance
Self-compassion helps you embrace your imperfections without self-judgement. You learn to accept yourself as a flawed but worthy individual. This means acknowledging both strengths and weaknesses with kindness, rather than with shame or criticism. By practicing self-compassion, individuals are able to accept their mistakes and failures as part of their human experience, recognising that no one is perfect. This kind of acceptance allows for emotional growth and healing, as it removes the pressure to constantly perform or meet external standards. Instead, it promotes a balanced and nurturing approach to self-improvement, where flaws are seen not as failures but as opportunities for growth and learning.
5. Reduces Perfectionism
Perfectionists often set excessively high expectations for themselves and are harshly critical when they fall short, which can lead to stress, anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy. By practicing self-compassion, individuals learn to treat themselves with the same understanding and patience they would offer a friend facing challenges. As a result, self-compassion fosters a healthier approach to achievement, where individuals can pursue goals with a sense of realistic effort and self-encouragement, rather than constantly striving for perfection. This shift promotes emotional well-being and reduces the pressures associated with perfectionism.
6. Improves Relationships
When you are kinder to yourself, you become more empathetic and patient with others. Self-compassion also reduces emotional reactivity, making it easier to communicate with warmth and understanding.
🧠 The Difference Between Self-Compassion and Self-Esteem
While self-compassion and self-esteem are related, they are not the same.
- Self-esteem is based on evaluating your worth, often comparing yourself to others or measuring yourself by achievements.
- Self-compassion, on the other hand, is unconditional. It offers kindness regardless of your successes or failures.
Self-compassion is also more stable and enduring than self-esteem. It doesn’t fluctuate based on external validation or accomplishments, making it a more reliable source of emotional wellbeing.
🌿 Practical Ways to Cultivate Self-Compassion
1. Treat Yourself Like a Friend
When you’re being self-critical, pause and ask yourself:
- “What would I say to a loved one in this situation?”
- “Would I be this harsh with a friend?”
By imagining how you would comfort and encourage someone else, you can apply the same kindness to yourself.
2. Challenge Your Inner Critic
We all have an inner voice that can be self-critical. The next time you catch yourself being unkind to yourself:
- Identify the self-critical thought (e.g., “I always mess everything up.”)
- Reframe it with self-compassion (e.g., “I made a mistake, but I’m still learning, and that’s okay.”)
- This simple shift reduces self-judgement and fosters a gentler internal dialogue.
3. Practise Self-Compassionate Language
The words you use when talking to yourself shape your emotional experience. Replace self-critical or punitive language with gentler, more compassionate words.
- Instead of saying: “I’m such a failure.”
- Try: “I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.”
- This language shift encourages kindness and self-acceptance.
4. Use Mindfulness to Observe, Not Judge
Mindfulness is the practice of being present with your thoughts and emotions without judgement. When you are mindful:
- You acknowledge your feelings with curiosity rather than self-criticism.
- You observe difficult emotions without getting caught up in them.
- This creates space for self-compassionate responses.
5. Embrace Self-Care
Self-compassion involves nurturing your emotional and physical wellbeing.
- Prioritise rest and relaxation without guilt.
- Engage in activities that bring you joy and peace.
- Practising self-care is a tangible way of demonstrating compassion toward yourself.
6. Forgive Yourself
Just as you would forgive others for their mistakes, learn to forgive yourself.
- Let go of self-blame for past decisions or failures.
- Recognise that you were doing your best with the knowledge and resources you had at the time.
- Self-forgiveness promotes emotional healing and self-acceptance.
💬 How to Be Self-Compassionate During Difficult Times
When You Feel Overwhelmed
During times of stress or emotional turmoil:
- Pause and place your hand over your heart.
- Take slow, deep breaths.
- Silently repeat a compassionate phrase, such as:
“I am struggling right now, but I will be kind to myself.”
This simple act offers comfort and self-soothing.
When You Make a Mistake
Mistakes are part of being human. Instead of beating yourself up:
- Remind yourself: “Everyone makes mistakes—it’s how we learn.”
- Reflect on what you can learn from the experience.
- Forgive yourself and move forward.
❤️ When Is It Difficult to Be Self-Compassionate?
While self-compassion is a valuable practice, it can be challenging for some people, especially those who:
Struggle with perfectionism or self-criticism. Perfectionists may believe that self-compassion will lead to complacency, mistakenly seeing it as a lack of accountability rather than a source of resilience.
Have experienced emotional neglect or trauma, making it harder to be kind to themselves. Individuals who have faced emotional neglect or trauma may internalise feelings of unworthiness. Growing up in environments where their emotions were invalidated or dismissed can lead them to believe they are undeserving of compassion.
Equate self-compassion with weakness or self-pity (which it is not). True self-compassion is neither self-pity nor passivity—it is an active form of self-support that fosters resilience and emotional strength. Breaking free from this misconception is essential for cultivating a healthier relationship with oneself.
There is also a strong connection between impostor syndrome and difficulties with self-compassion. People who struggle with impostor feelings often believe they are frauds, despite their accomplishments. They may feel unworthy of kindness or perceive self-compassion as an excuse for mediocrity. When caught in this cycle, they downplay their achievements and respond to mistakes with harsh self-judgment rather than understanding. Practising self-compassion is especially important for those battling impostor syndrome, as it can help break the cycle of self-doubt by encouraging self-acceptance and reducing the fear of being exposed as ‘not good enough.’
Read more about Impostor Syndrome on Imposter Syndrome: Why You Feel Like a Fraud and How to Overcome It
If you find it difficult to practise self-compassion, working with a qualified counsellor can help you break free from self-criticism and develop a more nurturing relationship with yourself.
💬 Final Thoughts
Self-compassion is not self-indulgence or self-pity—it is a powerful practice of kindness, acceptance, and self-nurturing. By treating yourself with the same empathy you offer others, you build greater emotional resilience, reduce self-criticism, and enhance your overall wellbeing.
If you struggle with self-criticism or low self-worth, professional support can help. Counselling offers a safe space to develop self-compassion, challenge negative self-talk, and cultivate emotional resilience. Visit Counselling Directory Counselling Directory – Find a Counsellor Near You or Psychology today https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb to get help from a qualified counsellor in your area.
👉 Need support in developing self-compassion and emotional resilience? I offer professional counselling to help you build a kinder, more compassionate relationship with yourself. Visit www.wellnesscounsellingservice.com or my profile on Counselling Directory Counsellor Elena Ward – Dover & Ruislip – Counselling Directory and Psychology Today elena ward – Psychology Today to learn more or book a session.