Navigating Grief, Abandonment, and Unresolved Relationships
Introduction: The Ache of the Unfinished
Closure is often portrayed as a final chapter — a conversation, an apology, or even a parting moment that brings peace. But in reality, many people are left standing in silence, holding emotional luggage that has no destination. Whether it’s the abrupt end of a relationship, the ghosting of a once-close friend, or the death of a loved one before words could be exchanged, lack of closure can feel like a wound that never fully scabs over. It leaves us questioning our worth, rewriting memories, and waiting for answers that may never arrive.
This article explores the deeply personal journey of healing without closure. It examines how unresolved endings affect our mental health, why our brains crave answers, and how we can begin to find peace and empowerment in uncertainty.
Why Humans Crave Closure
From a psychological standpoint, closure provides emotional certainty. The human brain seeks patterns, logic, and understanding. When a significant chapter in our lives ends abruptly or without clarity, our minds remain stuck on “loop mode,” replaying events, trying to make sense of the loss.
Studies in cognitive psychology suggest that unresolved events trigger a state of cognitive dissonance — an internal discomfort that persists until resolution is found. In relationships, this often manifests as obsessively analysing the last conversation, misinterpreting silence, or clinging to hope.
Examples of Common Scenarios Without Closure:
1.Sudden Breakups Without Explanation
A partner ends a long-term relationship with a vague text message and no follow-up, leaving the other person confused and questioning what went wrong.
2. Ghosting in Friendships or Romantic Relationships
A close friend stops responding to calls or messages without any conflict or reason, disappearing from your life with no explanation.
3. Estrangement from Family
A parent or sibling cuts off contact after a disagreement but refuses to discuss it or allow resolution, leaving years of silence and uncertainty.
4. Death Before Resolution
A loved one passes away while things were unresolved — perhaps after a fight or misunderstanding — leaving the survivor burdened by unspoken words.
5. Rejection Without Feedback
After multiple promising job interviews, the company never follows up or gives a reason for rejection, leaving the candidate feeling unseen and confused.
6. Emotional Withdrawal in a Relationship
A partner remains physically present but emotionally distant for months or years without communication, slowly disconnecting with no clarity or closure.
7. Sudden End to Therapy or Support
A therapist, mentor, or teacher abruptly ends the relationship due to personal reasons or relocation, without a proper goodbye or transition.
8. Unacknowledged Abuse or Betrayal
A person who caused harm never admits their behaviour or gives recognition to the pain they inflicted, leaving the victim with lingering wounds.
9. Parent Leaving During Childhood
A parent leaves the home without any explanation and cuts off contact, leaving the child to grow up with unanswered questions and feelings of abandonment.
10. Disappearing Acts from Romantic Partners (Breadcrumbing or Benching)
A partner continually keeps you around with occasional messages or promises but never commits — then eventually fades away.
Each situation leads to one universal outcome: the person left behind is forced to carry questions, doubts, and what-ifs indefinitely.
2. The Emotional Impact of Incomplete Endings
When closure is absent, the grieving process is disrupted. People may feel stuck in denial, anger, bargaining. unable to fully arrive at acceptance.
Common Emotional Reactions:
- Rumination: Endless thoughts looping around what went wrong.
- Self-blame: Believing you caused the ending or deserved abandonment.
- Anxiety: Struggling to trust new people due to fear of sudden loss.
- Depression: A prolonged sense of sadness or worthlessness tied to lack of resolution.
Unresolved relationships can also trigger attachment wounds, especially for those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles. Abandonment without closure feels like confirmation of early childhood fears — that love is conditional, and one must earn explanations or affection.
Read more about attachment styles on How Early Childhood Experiences Shape our Relationships and our Ability to Trust
Societal Pressure and the Myth of Closure
We are constantly told we need closure to move on. Films, books, and TV dramas often feature cathartic final scenes: the heart-to-heart, the apology, the meaningful goodbye. This creates a myth that closure is necessary, deserved, or even guaranteed.
In truth, many never receive closure. Some people are emotionally unavailable, lack empathy, or are simply unable to articulate their reasons for departure. Others pass away or disappear before any kind of conclusion can occur. The idea that every story ends neatly creates a toxic expectation that those left behind must wait until they receive permission to heal.
Reclaiming Power: Healing Without Closure
True healing begins not with the answers we receive, but with the meaning we choose to assign. We don’t need someone else’s apology to release us. The power lies in our ability to close the chapter for ourselves.
Practical Strategies for Healing:
- Narrative Therapy: Write a letter to the person or situation — not to send, but to express.
- Rituals of Release: Burn a letter, plant a tree, or create a symbolic act to signify the end.
- Therapy and Support Groups: Speak your pain in spaces where it is heard and validated.
- Reframing: Shift from “why did this happen to me?” to “what did I learn from this?”
Instead of viewing closure as something another person owes us, we can reframe it as an internal process of release.
The Role of Self-Compassion and Forgiveness
Lack of closure often leaves behind a residue of shame — for not seeing the signs, for staying too long, or for not having the last word. Self-compassion is the antidote. It invites you to treat yourself with the same understanding you’d offer a close friend.
Read more about the importance of self-compassion on The Power of Self-Compassion: Why It Matters and How to Cultivate It
Practices to Cultivate Self-Compassion:
- Daily affirmations like: “I did the best I could with what I knew then.”
- Mindfulness practices to observe self-critical thoughts without judgment.
- Reconnecting with your younger self through inner child work, acknowledging the parts of you still hurting.
Forgiveness — not of the other, but of yourself — can also be a powerful turning point. It allows you to unhook your identity from the pain and rewrite the story as one of survival, growth, and wisdom.
What Unresolved Endings Teach Us
While painful, the absence of closure can be profoundly revealing. It shows us our strength, our needs, our boundaries. It teaches us how to sit with uncertainty and trust ourselves in the unknown.
Sometimes the silence from another is a mirror reflecting our own voice waiting to be heard. Instead of waiting for them to explain, what would it mean for you to define the ending on your terms?
The Connection Between Abandonment and Attachment
People with insecure attachment styles may find lack of closure especially difficult. It can activate abandonment trauma, leaving them feeling unsafe, unworthy, or emotionally dysregulated.
Attachment Styles and Reactions:
- Anxious: May obsess, overanalyse, or pursue relentlessly for answers.
- Avoidant: Might dismiss the pain but feel emotionally detached for long periods.
- Disorganised: May cycle between needing answers and pushing people away.
Understanding your attachment style can help you approach healing with greater insight and gentleness.
Read more about attachment styles on How Early Childhood Experiences Shape our Relationships and our Ability to Trust
When the Person Comes Back: The Illusion of Delayed Closure
Sometimes, the person who left returns — offering partial explanations, mixed signals, or even attempts to rekindle. This moment can feel validating but also confusing. Are they here to give answers, or just re-open the wound?
It’s crucial to recognise that late-stage contact doesn’t always equate to meaningful closure. Sometimes it’s another test of boundaries. Learning to say “I don’t need more words” can be a final act of reclaiming your narrative.
Creative Expression as a Pathway to Resolution
When words fail, art speaks. Many people find healing through creative expression — painting, poetry, dance, photography. These forms allow emotion to move, release, and take shape.
Try journaling using prompts like:
- “What would I say if they were in front of me?”
- “What did this ending teach me about what I need?”
- “What do I wish someone had told me then?”
Art creates space for emotion to be validated even without verbal explanation.
Learning to Sit with the Unknown
Perhaps the most radical act of healing is making peace with not knowing. It takes immense courage to stop digging for answers and simply acknowledge, “I may never know why. And I can still be whole.” This doesn’t mean the pain disappears, but it softens. The silence becomes less deafening. With time, new stories begin to write themselves — ones where you are the author, not a character waiting on someone else’s closure.
Learning to sit with the unknown is a powerful emotional skill. Sitting with the unknown asks something very different of us: patience, tolerance, and trust. It involves accepting that not all questions have immediate answers — that not all feelings are tidy, and not all stories are resolved in neat conclusions. This can feel uncomfortable, even threatening, particularly for those who have experienced trauma or emotional instability, where uncertainty was once synonymous with danger.
However, the unknown is not inherently unsafe. Sometimes, it’s just a space that hasn’t yet unfolded. Learning to sit with it means allowing emotions to rise and fall without rushing to fix them. It means being present in the liminal spaces — between what was and what’s next — and recognising that clarity often arrives not through control, but through surrender.
In practice, this could look like:
- Letting go of the need for closure from someone who won’t give it.
- Sitting with grief without forcing yourself to “move on.”
- Acknowledging confusion in a relationship without immediately seeking certainty.
When we develop the capacity to be with the unknown — rather than react to it — we create space for deeper insight, emotional regulation, and ultimately, healing.
Conclusion: Finding Freedom in the Incomplete
Some stories will never have an ending. Some doors remain half-open, some conversations forever unsaid. But this doesn’t mean healing is impossible. Closure is not a gift someone gives you — it’s a choice you make to move forward, piece by piece, breath by breath. When closure never comes, you are invited to choose yourself. Again, and again.
🔎 Need professional guidance? Visit my website www.wellnesscounsellingservice.com or my page on Psychology Today Elena Ward, Counsellor, Ruislip, HA4 | Psychology Today or Counselling Directory Counsellor Elena Ward – Dover & Ruislip – Counselling Directory to learn more and book a session.
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Resources
- Bowlby, J. (1980). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 3. Loss, Sadness and Depression. London: Hogarth Press.
- Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss. Scribner.
- Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. London: Hodder & Stoughton.
- Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. London: Penguin.
- Weiss, R. S. (1975). Marital Separation. Basic Books.
- Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Hazelden Publishing.