The Fawn Response: People-Pleasing as a Trauma Reaction

Introduction

The fawn response is a lesser-known but highly significant trauma response that manifests as people-pleasing behaviour. When individuals experience distressing or traumatic events, their nervous system may resort to one of four primary responses: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. While fight and flight involve active resistance or escape, and freeze leads to dissociation or immobility, the fawn response is characterised by prioritising the needs of others at the expense of one’s own well-being.

This article explores the origins of the fawn response, its impact on mental health and relationships, and ways to overcome excessive people-pleasing to cultivate a healthier sense of self.

Understanding the Fawn Response

The fawn response was first introduced by therapist Pete Walker in his work on complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD). According to Walker, fawning develops as a learned coping mechanism in response to chronic trauma, particularly in childhood.

Individuals who grow up in environments where they feel unsafe—whether due to emotional neglect, abuse, or inconsistent caregiving—may learn to survive by appeasing those around them. This ingrained behaviour helps them avoid conflict, criticism, or further trauma, making them highly sensitive to the emotions and expectations of others.

Signs of the Fawn Response in Adulthood

People who exhibit the fawn response may:

• Have difficulty saying “no”
• Struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries
• Feel responsible for other people’s emotions
• Avoid conflict at all costs
• Suppress their own needs and desires
• Experience chronic self-doubt and low self-esteem
• Seek validation and approval from others
• Feel anxious or guilty when prioritising themselves

The Origins of the Fawn Response

Childhood Trauma and Conditioning

Many individuals who develop the fawn response were conditioned in childhood to prioritise the needs of others, particularly caregivers. In families where love and acceptance were conditional, children learned that their worth depended on how well they could please others. This was especially common in environments where:

• Narcissistic or emotionally unavailable parents – The child learns to anticipate the caregiver’s needs, walking on eggshells to prevent outbursts or rejection.
• Emotionally volatile households – If conflict is common, fawning serves as a way to maintain harmony and avoid punishment.
• Parentification – When a child is forced into a caregiving role for an emotionally immature parent, they learn that their value lies in meeting others’ needs.
• Overly critical, demanding, unpredictable or prone to anger or engaged in substance abuse parental figures

Over time, these children become highly attuned to the moods of others, adapting their behaviour to avoid conflict or punishment. This survival mechanism persists into adulthood, often resulting in codependent relationships, difficulties asserting personal needs, and chronic emotional exhaustion.

The Link to Complex PTSD

The fawn response is closely linked to Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), a condition that arises from prolonged exposure to trauma, particularly in relationships where an individual feels powerless. Unlike PTSD, which is often triggered by a single traumatic event, C-PTSD stems from ongoing abuse, neglect, or exposure to unhealthy dynamics.

Symptoms of C-PTSD that often accompany the fawn response include:

• Emotional dysregulation
• Feelings of shame or guilt
• A persistent sense of danger or hypervigilance
• Difficulty trusting oneself and others
• Repetitive, self-sacrificing relationship patterns

The Impact of the Fawn Response on Relationships

While people-pleasing can seem like a positive trait, it often leads to imbalanced and unhealthy relationships. When a person with a fawn response prioritises others over themselves, they may attract relationships that reinforce their trauma patterns.

Co-dependency and Enmeshment

Individuals with a fawn response often find themselves in codependent relationships, where their sense of worth is tied to their ability to meet another person’s needs. This can lead to:

• Emotional exhaustion from constantly trying to “fix” others
• Fear of abandonment driving excessive caretaking
• Suppressing personal identity and aspirations to maintain relationships
• Unhealthy attachment to partners who exploit their kindness

Example of Co-dependency:

Sarah and Tom have been together for five years. Tom struggles with alcohol misuse and often loses jobs or isolates himself socially. Sarah, wanting to help, constantly covers for him—calling his work to explain absences, making excuses to friends and family, and taking on all household responsibilities. She feels needed when Tom relies on her, and fears that if she stops helping, he might fall apart.

Over time, Sarah’s own needs are neglected. She feels emotionally exhausted but also guilty at the idea of setting boundaries or leaving the relationship. Meanwhile, Tom becomes increasingly dependent on Sarah and doesn’t take steps to manage his own issues because he knows she’ll always “rescue” him.

This dynamic shows co-dependency when one partner enables the other’s dysfunction, while sacrificing their own well-being in the process. It often stems from fear of abandonment, low self-worth, or early attachment patterns.

Example of Enmeshment:

Emma is a 25-year-old woman who still lives at home with her mother, Linda. Although Emma is an adult, Linda constantly calls or texts her throughout the day, wanting to know where she is, who she’s with, and what she’s doing. If Emma doesn’t respond immediately, Linda becomes anxious or accuses her of being selfish or distant.

Emma feels guilty for wanting independence or setting boundaries. She’s been raised to prioritise her mother’s emotions over her own and often suppresses her desires — such as moving out, travelling, or starting a serious relationship — to avoid upsetting her mum.

Linda, in turn, sees Emma as an extension of herself rather than a separate person. She shares intimate details with her daughter, relies on her for emotional support, and discourages her from spending too much time with friends or partners, fearing that she’ll be “abandoned.”

This example highlights enmeshment, where personal boundaries are blurred, individuality is stifled, and emotional over-reliance becomes the norm. It can feel like love, but it often prevents healthy emotional development and autonomy.

Fawn Response in Friendships

People with a fawn response often attract one-sided friendships where they are the primary giver, always providing emotional support but rarely receiving the same in return. This may involve:

• Avoiding voicing personal problems to avoid burdening friends.
• Feeling exhausted from always being the “go-to” person for advice and emotional labour.
• Struggling to address conflict, leading to resentment or unbalanced dynamics.

Fawn Response in the Workplace

In professional settings, the fawn response can result in overworking, difficulty setting boundaries, and burnout. This may include:

• Taking on too many tasks without asserting limits.
• Struggling to ask for fair pay, promotions, or recognition.
• Fear of speaking up, even in situations of mistreatment or unethical behaviour.

Difficulty Setting Boundaries

One of the biggest challenges for individuals with a fawn response is setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. Because they fear rejection or disapproval, they may:

• Agree to things they do not want to do
• Ignore personal discomfort to avoid conflict
• Overextend themselves emotionally, physically, and financially
• Feel guilty when asserting their needs

Over time, this pattern erodes self-worth and can lead to resentment, burnout, and mental health struggles such as anxiety and depression.

Breaking Free from the Fawn Response

Recognising and healing from the fawn response requires self-awareness, boundary-setting, and inner healing work. Below are practical steps individuals can take to regain autonomy and cultivate self-worth:

1. Self-Reflection and Awareness

The first step in overcoming the fawn response is recognising when and why it occurs. Journaling, therapy, or mindfulness practices can help individuals identify:

• Patterns of people-pleasing
• Core beliefs that drive their behaviour (e.g., “I must be agreeable to be loved”)
• Triggers that activate their need to fawn

Read more about self-awareness on Self-Awareness in Relationships: The Key to Deeper Connection and Lasting Trust

2. Establishing Healthy Boundaries

Learning to set and maintain boundaries is essential for breaking free from the fawn response. Practical ways to start include:

• Practising saying “no” without excessive justification
• Setting small, manageable boundaries in everyday interactions
• Using “I” statements to express needs (e.g., “I need some time for myself today”)
• Recognising that prioritising self-care is not selfish

Read more about setting healthy boundaries on Signs of a Toxic Relationship and How to Set Boundaries

3. Healing Childhood Wounds

Since the fawn response is deeply rooted in early experiences, inner child work can be beneficial. This may involve:

• Reparenting oneself with self-compassion
• Identifying and challenging limiting beliefs
• Working with a therapist specialising in trauma recovery

Read more about self-compassion on The Power of Self-Compassion: Why It Matters and How to Cultivate It

4. Developing Self-Worth and Autonomy

Building self-worth independent of external validation is crucial. Steps to strengthen self-esteem include:

• Engaging in activities that bring personal fulfilment
• Practising self-affirmations
• Surrounding oneself with supportive, empowering relationships
• Taking small risks in expressing personal needs and desires

5. Learn Healthy Conflict Resolution

Not all conflict is negative. Learning to assert needs and navigate disagreements without fear can be empowering. Practising nonviolent communication techniques can help in expressing oneself confidently and respectfully.

Learn more about conflict resolution strategies on Healthy vs. Unhealthy Ways to Argue – Conflict Resolution Strategies.

6. Seeking Professional Support

Therapies such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR), and Somatic Therapy can help individuals process past trauma and rewire conditioned responses.

Conclusion

The fawn response is a deeply ingrained survival mechanism that develops in response to early trauma. While people-pleasing may offer temporary relief from conflict or rejection, it ultimately leads to emotional exhaustion, co-dependency, and a loss of personal identity.

Breaking free from the fawn response requires self-awareness, boundary-setting, and inner healing work. By addressing childhood wounds, building self-worth, and seeking professional support, individuals can reclaim their autonomy and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Ultimately, healing from the fawn response is about recognising that one’s worth is not determined by how well they please others, but by the inherent value of being true to oneself.

🔎 Need professional guidance? Visit my website www.wellnesscounsellingservice.com or my page on Psychology Today or Counselling Directory Counsellor Elena Ward – Dover & Ruislip – Counselling Directory to learn more and book a session.

Alternatively visit Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb or Counselling Directory Counselling Directory – Find a Counsellor Near You to find a Counsellor in your area.

Resources

1. Levine, P. A. (2015). Trauma and Memory: Brain and Body in a Search for the Living Past. North Atlantic Books.
2. Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote Publishing.
3. Herman, J. L. (1997). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.
4. Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.
5. Ogden, P., Minton, K., & Pain, C. (2006). Trauma and the Body: A Sensorimotor Approach to Psychotherapy. W. W. Norton & Company.