Introduction: The Invisible Strings That Shape Our Lives
Have you ever caught yourself agreeing to something you didn’t want to do, saying “yes” when every part of you wanted to say “no”? Perhaps you’ve made choices — in relationships, career, lifestyle — that, deep down, were never really yours. If so, you might be experiencing the pull of subconscious puppet strings: internalised expectations and subtle control mechanisms that shape your decisions, often without your conscious consent.
In my work as a counsellor, I’ve seen how deeply these invisible strings can influence a person’s life. They’re often woven in early childhood, through family rules, cultural norms, or unspoken emotional contracts. Over time, we can start to mistake them for our own voice. We may feel “free” yet live within the narrow bounds of someone else’s script.
This article explores the psychology of living authentically vs. living for expectations of others, identifying the subtle signs of internalised control, and offering practical strategies for cutting — or at least loosening — those strings.
Understanding the Nature of Internalised Expectations
- What Do We Mean by “Puppet Strings”?
The metaphor of puppet strings captures the sense of being guided by forces outside our true will. These aren’t always overt. Rarely is someone literally ordering you around; instead, the control is often internalised. We learn, sometimes unconsciously, to pre-empt the desires of others and prioritise them over our own.
Puppet strings can come from:
- Parental expectations (“Be the good child”, “Don’t disappoint us”)
- Cultural or community norms (“This is just how we do things”)
- Romantic relationships (subtle emotional coercion)
- Workplace dynamics (toxic leadership or implicit conformity rules)
- Self-imposed perfectionism (internal critic acting as a proxy for others)
- The Psychology of Internalised Control
Psychologists link this phenomenon to introjection — the process of unconsciously adopting the ideas, attitudes, or voices of others. For example, you may hear your parent’s critical tone in your own self-talk decades later.
Attachment theory also sheds light here. If, as a child, approval was conditional — tied to achievement, obedience, or emotional caretaking — you may have learned to suppress your authentic needs to secure connection. Over time, the suppression becomes automatic, and the strings tighten.
Read more about Attachment theory on https://wellnesscounsellingservice.com/how-early-childhood-experiences-shape-our-relationships-and-our-ability-to-trust/
- The Cost of Living for Someone Else’s Expectations
Living under the sway of internalised expectations can cause:
- Chronic anxiety (fear of disapproval or rejection)
- Low self-esteem (belief your needs matter less)
- Decision paralysis (difficulty identifying what you truly want)
- Burnout (over-giving and self-neglect)
- Identity confusion (losing touch with your authentic self)
It can also prevent healthy boundaries, keeping you locked in cycles of people-pleasing or self-sacrifice.
Signs You May Be Living Someone Else’s Script
- You Struggle to State Your Own Opinions
You find yourself adapting your views to match those around you, even on topics you care about. Disagreeing feels unsafe or “wrong”.
- You Feel Guilty When You Put Yourself First
Any act of self-prioritisation triggers discomfort, as though you’re breaking an unspoken contract.
- Your Life Choices Feel… Off
From the outside, everything may look fine — stable job, respectable relationship — but internally, there’s a quiet sense of “this isn’t me”.
- You Can’t Identify What You Want
When asked about your preferences, you draw a blank or say, “I don’t mind”. Your desires are buried under years of pleasing others.
- You’re Afraid of Disappointing Authority Figures
Even as an adult, criticism from a boss, parent, or mentor can feel crushing, triggering a child-like fear response.
Why We Internalise These Strings
- Survival in Childhood
Children rely on caregivers for physical and emotional survival. If love, safety, or approval feels conditional, adapting to please becomes a survival strategy.
- Cultural Programming
In many cultures there’s a strong emphasis on community reputation, duty, and “not making a fuss”. While community-mindedness has value, it can stifle individuality if taken to extremes.
- Trauma and Coercive Control
Past experiences of emotional or psychological abuse can make us hyper-attuned to others’ needs, suppressing our own to avoid conflict or harm.
Read more on https://wellnesscounsellingservice.com/the-fawn-response-people-pleasing-as-a-trauma-reaction/
- The Illusion of Harmony
We tell ourselves that compliance “keeps the peace”. In reality, it often creates internal unrest while allowing external imbalances to persist.
The Journey to Self-Authorship
Step One: Awareness is Everything
Start by noticing when your choices are influenced by a “voice” that isn’t truly yours. Ask: Whose voice is this? If it belongs to a parent, partner, or cultural rulebook, name it.
Step Two: Values Discovery
Make a list of your core values — not inherited ones. You might find that while your family prized financial security above all, you value creativity, freedom, or service.
Step Three: Small Acts of Autonomy
Start with low-stakes choices — what to eat, wear, watch — and consciously pick what you want, even if it’s different from others.
Step Four: Challenge Guilt
When guilt arises, remind yourself: Self-prioritisation is not selfishness. It’s self-preservation.
Step Five: Boundaries as String-Cutters
Boundaries aren’t about pushing people away; they’re about creating space for authenticity. Learn to say, “I appreciate your input, but I’m making a different choice.”
Counselling Tools for Releasing the Strings
In therapy, I often use:
- Inner child work — reconnecting with the part of you that first learned to comply.
- Schema therapy — identifying and rewriting deep-rooted beliefs.
- Assertiveness training — building confidence in stating needs.
- Mindfulness — noticing automatic compliance before acting.
- Somatic therapy — releasing tension stored from years of self-suppression.
Real-Life Example (Names Changed)
Emma, 34, came to me feeling “stuck” in a corporate role chosen by her parents. Any thought of changing careers triggered panic — not because she feared poverty, but because she feared “letting them down”. Through inner child work, Emma uncovered a memory of being praised only when achieving high marks. She had internalised the belief: My worth equals my achievements in their eyes.
By identifying this belief and testing small acts of autonomy — volunteering in a creative field she loved — Emma gradually loosened the strings. Six months later, she transitioned to a career in design. Her relationship with her parents shifted, too; though initially strained, it grew more authentic over time.
When Cutting Strings Feels Impossible
It’s important to note that completely severing these strings may not always be realistic — particularly in cultures or family systems where interconnectedness is valued. The goal isn’t to reject every expectation, but to integrate them in a way that honours your authentic self.
Practical Exercises
- String Mapping
Draw yourself as a puppet. Label each string with a source (e.g., “Dad’s career advice”, “Cultural rule about family duty”). Identify which strings you want to keep, loosen, or cut. - Voice Journaling
Write in two columns: one for “External Voice” and one for “My Voice”. Compare how they differ on major life topics. - Boundary Script
Practise a polite but firm way to decline requests: “I understand this is important to you, but I’m unable to do that right now.” - Values Inventory
Write your top five values and check weekly if your actions align with them.
Conclusion: Becoming Your Own Puppeteer
Living under the sway of invisible strings is exhausting and quietly soul dulling. Yet by bringing awareness to these influences, identifying whose voice is truly speaking, and taking deliberate steps towards autonomy, we can reclaim authorship of our lives.
The goal isn’t selfish independence, but authentic interdependence — where we give and receive freely, without coercion or the quiet erosion of self.
The journey from living someone else’s script to living your own is one of the most profound acts of self-respect. It’s the moment you put down the borrowed lines and step into your own, unfiltered voice.
🔎 Visit my Blog – to learn more, or my website www.wellnesscounsellingservice.com my page on Psychology Today Elena Ward, Counsellor, Ruislip, HA4 | Psychology Today or Counselling Directory Counsellor Elena Ward – Dover & Ruislip – Counselling Directory to book a session in Dover.
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Resources
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behaviour. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268.
Kernis, M. H., & Goldman, B. M. (2006). A multicomponent conceptualization of authenticity: Theory and research. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 283–357.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Books.
Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitioner’s guide. Guilford Press.