– Self-Abandonment Behind Rescuing Behaviour
Introduction
The desire to help others is often seen as noble. We’re taught to be kind, compassionate, and generous with our time and energy. But what happens when this instinct becomes a compulsive need? When helping others turns into rescuing, fixing, or saving—particularly at the cost of your own emotional, mental, or even physical well-being—it becomes more than kindness. It becomes a form of self-abandonment.
At the heart of this pattern is often a hidden emotional wound: the fantasy of fixing others as a way to avoid facing your own unresolved pain. In this article, we’ll explore the psychology behind this behaviour, why it’s so hard to recognise, and how you can begin to turn inward, healing the very parts of yourself you’ve tried so hard to repair in others.
What Is the “Fixer” Fantasy?
The fantasy of fixing others is the unconscious belief that your worth or safety depends on being able to solve someone else’s problems. It’s more than just wanting to help—this is about control, identity, and avoidance. It can manifest as:
- Being overly responsible for others’ emotions or outcomes
- Feeling guilt when you say no
- Constantly attracted to “broken” people or chaotic relationships
- A deep fear that if you’re not helping, you’re not needed—or lovable
This pattern may look altruistic on the surface, but beneath it often lies a profound lack of connection to the self.
Where Does This Behaviour Come From?
1. Childhood Conditioning
Many self-identified “fixers” were once children who learned that love was conditional. Perhaps you had to behave a certain way to earn approval, or your emotional needs were ignored while you tended to an emotionally unavailable parent.
You may have become the “little adult” in the house—taking care of siblings, calming down angry parents, or being the emotional support system. This reversal of roles creates what psychologists call a parentified child. As adults, these individuals often struggle to connect to their own needs, having spent a lifetime focused on everyone else’s.
2. Trauma Bonds and Co-dependency
The fixer pattern is deeply tied to codependent dynamics, where your sense of identity and self-worth hinges on another person’s stability. It can also be a hallmark of trauma bonding—a cycle of intense emotional highs and lows that mimic love but are actually rooted in fear, control, and unresolved wounds.
You may find yourself repeatedly attracted to partners or friends in need of “saving”, reinforcing the belief that you are only valuable if you are useful.
Read more about trauma bonding on Trauma Bonding: When Love and Abuse Coexist – Understanding the Psychology and Breaking Free
Self-Abandonment: The Hidden Cost
When we prioritise fixing others over tending to our own inner world, we are, in essence, abandoning ourselves. This can look like:
- Ignoring your boundaries
- Suppressing your emotions to avoid conflict
- Staying in toxic relationships
- Feeling depleted, resentful, or invisible
Over time, this leads to emotional burnout, chronic anxiety, and a distorted self-concept. You begin to believe that you are only worthy of love when you are useful—never simply for being yourself.
The Illusion of Control
Fixing others gives us the illusion of control. If you can solve their problems, maybe they won’t leave. Maybe they won’t spiral. Maybe everything will finally feel safe.
But this fantasy is rooted in fear—not love. It’s a way of trying to manage the unmanageable. In reality, people will only change when they are ready. Your role is not to fix, but to witness—and support without losing yourself.
What Are You Avoiding in Yourself?
Often, the compulsion to fix others is a subconscious distraction from our own unmet needs. It keeps us externally focused, so we don’t have to face:
- Old grief
- Shame or unworthiness
- Fear of abandonment
- Anger we’ve never expressed
- Vulnerability we don’t know how to hold
Rescuing others becomes a coping strategy. It gives us purpose. It makes us feel needed. But in doing so, it also keeps us disconnected from our own inner world.
Signs You’re a Fixer (and Not Just Kind)
Here are common signs that your helping tendencies might actually be a form of self-abandonment:
- You feel guilty if you’re not helping
- You frequently attract emotionally unavailable people
- You feel resentful when your help isn’t appreciated
- You believe you can “heal” someone with enough love
- You ignore red flags because “they’ve just been through a lot”
- You have trouble identifying or expressing your own needs
Being supportive is healthy. But when your identity becomes fused with being a rescuer, it’s time to explore what you might be running from.
Healing the Fixer Wound
1. Acknowledge Your Wound
Start by admitting that your pattern of fixing is not entirely selfless—it’s linked to an unmet need to be needed. This isn’t a flaw; it’s a trauma response. It’s how you survived. But awareness is the first step toward freedom.
2. Reconnect With Your Inner Child
The compulsion to rescue often comes from a part of you that wasn’t rescued. Inner child work can help you reconnect with this younger self, offering the nurturing and safety you once sought in others.
Try journaling prompts like:
- “What did I need to hear as a child?”
- “When did I first feel responsible for others’ emotions?”
- “What am I afraid will happen if I stop fixing others?”
3. Learn to Sit with Discomfort
Resisting the urge to fix can feel excruciating. It may stir guilt, anxiety, or a sense of powerlessness. But this is where your healing lies. By staying present with your own discomfort, rather than distracting yourself through others, you build emotional resilience.
4. Set Boundaries with Love
You can be compassionate without overextending yourself. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t care—it means you care for yourself, too.
Try scripts like:
- “I hear you, and I believe in your ability to find a solution.”
- “I want to support you, but I need to take care of myself right now.”
- “This feels like something you need to navigate on your own.”
Reclaiming Yourself
When you stop trying to fix everyone else, you make room to finally meet yourself. You begin to ask:
- What do I need?
- What brings me joy?
- Who am I, outside of being useful?
This is the essence of healing: not abandoning others, but finally ceasing to abandon yourself.
You reclaim your wholeness, your agency, and your right to take up space.
Turning the Mirror Inward
Instead of using others as mirrors for your unhealed parts, begin to explore your own reflection. Therapy, somatic work, journaling, and meditation are all powerful tools to help you reconnect with the self you’ve been avoiding.
You don’t need to save anyone to be worthy. Your value isn’t tied to how well you hold others together. The true work is learning to hold yourself.
Conclusion: The Courage to Come Home to Yourself
The fantasy of fixing others is seductive. It offers the illusion of love, safety, and control. But it comes at the cost of your own aliveness. When you begin to break this pattern, you’re not becoming less loving—you’re becoming more whole.
Healing doesn’t require you to rescue everyone. It asks that you rescue the parts of yourself you’ve neglected for far too long. That’s not selfish—it’s sacred.
And from that place of wholeness, you’ll no longer need to fix others—because you’ll finally know that you were never broken in the first place.
🔎 Visit my Blog – to learn more, or my website www.wellnesscounsellingservice.com my page on Psychology Today Elena Ward, Counsellor, Ruislip, HA4 | Psychology Today or Counselling Directory Counsellor Elena Ward – Dover & Ruislip – Counselling Directory to book a session in Kent or Ruislip.
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