Introduction
In the realm of toxic relationships and emotional manipulation, few tactics are as deceptive and emotionally damaging as future faking. This term, often used in psychological and therapeutic circles, refers to the manipulative strategy where someone makes grand promises about the future to influence, control, or placate another person. The aim isn’t to fulfil these promises but to exploit the hope they create. This article explores the psychology behind future faking, the emotional consequences, how it manifests in relationships, and what steps can be taken to recognise and recover from this manipulative behaviour.
What Is Future Faking?
Future faking occurs when an individual makes promises or speaks about a future together in ways that inspire hope and commitment—without any intention of following through. These false promises can be about marriage, children, moving in together, travel plans, career support, or any shared goal that carries emotional weight.
The key characteristic of future faking is intent. Unlike well-meaning people who fall short or change their minds due to life circumstances, future fakers never intended to make those visions reality. Their goal is control—keeping the other person invested, compliant, and emotionally tethered.
Common Phrases Associated with Future Faking:
- “We’ll start a family next year—just wait a bit.”
- “Once I get this promotion, everything will be better for us.”
- “We’ll move abroad and start fresh—just trust me.”
- “I see us growing old together.”
These promises are often stated during conflict or when the manipulator feels the other person pulling away. It’s a calculated move to stop someone from leaving or questioning the relationship.
Why Do People Use Future Faking?
People use future faking for a variety of psychological, emotional, and manipulative reasons — sometimes consciously, sometimes not. At its core, future faking is a way to gain control or meet personal needs without offering true commitment. Here’s a deeper look at why someone might engage in future faking:
1. To Gain Immediate Control or Compliance
Future faking is often used as a tactic to get what they want in the present. By making you believe in a shared future, the future faker can:
- Secure loyalty without delivering on emotional or relational investment
- Avoid accountability by focusing on what will happen “someday”
- Keep you hopeful and therefore compliant — whether it’s staying in the relationship, tolerating bad behaviour, or giving more than you receive
It’s emotional bait. The promise of a shared future becomes a reward that’s always just out of reach, keeping you invested and patient.
2. Fear of Abandonment or Rejection
Not all future fakers are malicious. Some people genuinely fear being left, so they overpromise in an attempt to secure closeness. They say what they think you want to hear:
- “Let’s get a place together.”
- “I could see myself marrying you.”
- “We’ll travel the world next year.”
But when it’s time to act, fear, commitment issues, or unresolved trauma cause them to retreat. They may not intend to deceive, but their inability to follow through creates harm all the same.
3. Avoiding Real Vulnerability or Intimacy
Some individuals use grand, future-oriented talk to distract from the present, where true emotional intimacy occurs. They may struggle to connect in the here and now, so they talk about the future as a safe space where everything will be “better.” This creates:
- Illusion of progress
- Delay of difficult conversations or emotional honesty
- Distraction from unmet needs in the present moment
They essentially sell a dream to avoid dealing with real, sometimes uncomfortable, emotions in the now.
4. Narcissistic Supply and Ego Reinforcement
For narcissistic or emotionally immature individuals, future faking can serve as a tool to feed their ego. Promising someone a future makes them feel powerful, adored, and admired. They enjoy:
- The devotion they receive
- The sense of control it gives them
- The ability to be seen as “the perfect partner” — even if it’s just a façade
But once they’ve secured that admiration or attention, their interest may fade, and they move on to someone else who offers a new ego boost.
5. Keeping Options Open
Some people use future faking to keep multiple doors open. By stringing one partner along with hopeful promises, they don’t have to commit, while still benefiting from emotional or physical intimacy. It’s a form of manipulation that:
- Gives the illusion of exclusivity or seriousness
- Prevents you from seeking healthier alternatives
- Allows them to maintain a “backup” if other options fail
6. Lack of Self-Awareness
In some cases, future faking isn’t malicious or strategic — the person may believe their own promises at the time, without recognising their own limitations. They may be impulsive, idealistic, or emotionally immature, not understanding the weight of their words.
They might say: We’ll buy a house together”…because they want to believe it, even if they’re not financially or emotionally capable of making it happen.
Future faking thrives in the space between hope and reality. Whether used as a manipulative strategy or driven by emotional dysfunction, it plays on the human desire for connection, certainty, and love. It gives the illusion of commitment without the cost of actually following through.
The Impact of Future Faking
1. Emotional Confusion
Victims often feel hopeful one moment and deeply disillusioned the next. This cycle creates cognitive dissonance—where the mind struggles to reconcile the manipulator’s words with their actions.
2. Loss of Trust
Over time, the constant breaking of promises erodes trust—not just in the manipulator but in others and in the victim’s own judgment.
3. Delayed Life Plans
Victims often postpone personal goals, relocate, sacrifice careers, or stay in toxic environments based on promises that never materialise.
4. Dependency
The repeated cycle of hope and disappointment can create emotional dependency, making it harder for the victim to leave or see the truth.
5. Emotional Exhaustion
Constantly hoping and waiting for something that never arrives is draining. It often leads to depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem.
6. Shame and Self-Blame
Victims may feel foolish for believing the promises, blaming themselves for being “naïve” or “too emotional.”
Signs You’re Experiencing Future Faking
- Promises are vague or never followed up with action.
- The manipulator avoids discussing specific timelines or plans.
- Your needs are often postponed for a “better future.”
- You’re made to feel guilty for questioning or wanting clarity.
- Big plans are only discussed after arguments or when you express doubts.
Future Faking in Different Types of Relationships
Romantic Relationships
This is the most common context. One partner may repeatedly promise marriage, family, or commitment while continuing to behave in ways that contradict those promises.
Family Dynamics
Parents or relatives may make promises of financial support, reconciliation, or lifestyle improvements to manipulate adult children into compliance or care.
Workplace and Professional Settings
Employers or managers might dangle promotions, pay raises, or new roles to get employees to take on more work or delay leaving.
Friendships
Even in platonic relationships, one person may make emotional or financial promises to maintain loyalty or access to resources.
Why It’s Hard to Leave a Future Faker
Leaving someone who engages in future faking can be incredibly difficult — not just because of what they do, but because of how it makes you feel, hope, and doubt yourself.
Hope and Emotional Investment in a Promised Future
One of the main reasons it’s so hard to walk away is the deep emotional attachment to the dream they’ve sold you. Hope is powerful. When someone you love paints a beautiful future, it’s hard to let go of the dream. A future faker is often charismatic, affectionate, and visionary in the beginning. They paint vivid, idealistic pictures of what life will be like — marriage, children, travel, success, shared dreams. You become emotionally invested not just in the person, but in the life, you believe you’re building together.
Letting go doesn’t feel like just leaving a partner; it feels like grieving a future. That imagined life becomes a powerful motivator to stay — you hang on hoping that things will eventually align, that the promises were real, and that it’s only a matter of time.
Cognitive Dissonance and Self-Doubt
Future fakers are often skilled at blurring the lines between fantasy and reality. They might mix in just enough real affection or occasional “follow-through” to keep you second-guessing. This creates cognitive dissonance — a state of mental discomfort caused by holding conflicting beliefs:
- “They said they want to marry me.”
- “They keep avoiding commitment.”
This tension leads many to rationalise poor behaviour or blame themselves, thinking, Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I just need to be more patient, more supportive, more understanding. It’s a psychological trap.
Trauma Bonding and Intermittent Reinforcement
Future faking also creates trauma bonds through intermittent reinforcement — giving love, attention, and hope inconsistently. One moment they’re loving and promising the world, the next they’re distant, vague, or emotionally unavailable. The unpredictability keeps your nervous system hooked, much like a slot machine — you never know when you’ll get a hit of that original “high.”
Over time, this bond makes it harder to recognise manipulation. The emotional highs and lows become part of the rhythm of the relationship, even though they are deeply destabilising.
Read more about trauma bonding on Trauma Bonding: When Love and Abuse Coexist – Understanding the Psychology and Breaking Free
Fear of Isolation and Starting Over
Manipulators often isolate their victims emotionally, making them dependent and afraid of being alone. People also struggle to leave because of the fear of starting over. After investing time, energy, and love — especially if they’ve isolated you from friends or made you dependent emotionally or financially — walking away feels overwhelming. You might worry, What if no one else ever loves me like this? What if I’m wrong and they do change?
This fear, combined with the hope that the promised future might still come true, makes leaving feel like both a risk and a loss — even when it’s the healthier path.
How to Break Free
1. Recognise the Pattern
Awareness is the first step. Begin journaling promises made and whether they are fulfilled.
Read more about self-awareness on Self-Awareness in Relationships: The Key to Deeper Connection and Lasting Trust
2. Set Clear Boundaries
Start setting small boundaries—asking for timelines, clarity, and consistency. Watch the reaction.
3. Seek Professional Help
Therapists can help rebuild self-trust and provide validation for experiences.
4. Build a Support Network
Reconnect with friends, family, or support groups. Emotional support is essential for healing.
5. Focus on Your Own Future
Reclaim your agency by setting and pursuing personal goals. Visualise a life not dependent on the manipulator’s promises.
Healing and Moving On
Healing from future faking involves rebuilding trust in yourself and others. It requires acknowledging the pain without self-blame. Realising that manipulation says more about the manipulator than the victim is crucial. Many find empowerment in speaking about their experiences, helping others recognise the signs.
Conclusion
Future faking is a cruel form of emotional manipulation that uses hope as a leash. Recognising it can be painful but is also the first step toward freedom and self-restoration. If you’ve been caught in the web of broken promises, know that you’re not alone—and there is a future, a real one, that you can build for yourself. A future grounded in truth, not illusions.
🔎 Visit my website www.wellnesscounsellingservice.com or my page on Psychology Today Elena Ward, Counsellor, Ruislip, HA4 | Psychology Today or Counselling Directory Counsellor Elena Ward – Dover & Ruislip – Counselling Directory to learn more and book a session.
Alternatively visit Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb or Counselling Directory Counselling Directory – Find a Counsellor Near You to find a Counsellor in your area.
Resources
· Durvasula, R. (2019). Don’t You Know Who I Am?: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.
· Forward, S., & Frazier, C. (1997). Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. HarperCollins.
· Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.
· McBride, K. (2018). Will I Ever Be Free of You? How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family. Atria Books.
· Campbell, W. K., & Foster, J. D. (2007). The narcissistic self: Background, an extended agency model, and ongoing controversies. In C. Sedikides & S. J. Spencer (Eds.), The Self (pp. 115–138). Psychology Press.